No More
by hoppinghamster
Summary: Kathryn comes back from an away mission with a shocking revelation. Felling hurt and let down Chakotay wants answers, she hasn't been giving any for three months... until now. J/C fic.
1. Chapter 1

**Very Sorry to those who have tried to read this story today. For some reason it didn't upload properly, I don't know what happened there! Enjoy the reupload.**

 **No More**

 **By Hopping Hamster**

 **Chapter One.**

"You could try talking to her" the half Klingon suggested tentatively as she looked across the bar room table at her friend. She knew her suggestion would fall on deaf ears, or at least stubborn ears but she wasn't going to give up. She eyed the native American looking for any kind of response, when he didn't give one other than the tired, warn out, withdrawn look his face he usually gave these days she sighed. It had been three months since the encounter with the Kinress home world and yet the command teas s _till_ were not talking. When Chakotay didn't reply B'Elanna added "Have you even tried Chakotay?"

Chokotay stared at B'Elanna, his eyes darkened with anger. He ground his teeth together and took the last gulp of his whiskey before slamming it on the table and growling "Of course I have."

"She needs time" B'Elanna shrugged, she didn't really know what else to suggest and she knew as soon as the words came out her mouth that it was feeble and probably been said to him a thousand times in the last few months.

Chakotay for his part showed enough grace to not snap at B'Elanna over her words. Instead he rose from his chair and nodded to B'Elanna saying "I should go to bed, it's late and I am on the Alpha shift in the morning." B'Elanna just sighed and rubbed her forehead ridges, she knew there was no point arguing with him.

As he walked away B'Elanna stared into her half emty glass of earth cider and shook her head. They were both as stubborn as each other. She knew neither Kathryn or Chakotay was ever going to face the issue at hand. Sure Chakotay said he had tried to talk to her but B'Elanna knew that he wouldn't have even come close to the wedge that was between them. He spent most of his time alone now, he was clearly hurt and angry. For the most part B'Elanna could understand why but he wasn't going to get answers behaving like this. They all wanted answers but they also all wanted to support their captain as best they could. Now the only time Chakotay ever talked to B'Elanna was in the evenings, she had found him a few nights back in the holodeck, in this old darkened earth bar. B'Elanna knew he wasn't drinking synthahol but she knew better than to question him on it. She had joined him for a drink without being invited and so it had been every night since. Tonight was the first night she had even come close to the question of Kathryn and that hadn't gone well at all. She was just about deciding she would call it a night when the holodeck doors opened and her husband came in and slipped into Chakotays empty seat. Picking up Chakotay's empty whiskey glass he smelt it, pulled a face, put it back on the table and asked "Where is he now?"

His wife shrugged giving her husband a sad smiled she admitted "I don't know, he said he needed an early night because he's on Alpha shift in the morning." They both knew the likely hood of the first officer going to bed this early was near impossible.

"he's not" Tom said quietly not meeting his wife's eyes.

B'Elanna shook her hear head saying "of course I know he's not actually gone to bed this early"

"no B'E" Tom said meeting her eyes as she looked at him with confusion "he's not on the Alpha shift, _she_ just sent a memo, she's changed his shift again."

"what?" B'Elanna exclaimed "Why?"

"don't know" tom admitted with a shrug "I guess this way she doesn't have to see him."

B'Elanna rolled her eyes and shook her head with a heavy sigh and she growled "can she do that? Run a ship by avoiding her first officer?"

"She can do whatever she wants" Tom shrugged "she's the captain"

Rolling her eyes again B'Elanna snapped "Can't you do something?"

"Me?" tom looked both confused and surprised at his wife's question.

"Yes you, as medical officer" B'Elanna bit back.

Tom snorted and gave a little smile saying "Firstly I am not chief medical officer, secondly on what grounds? Shes fit and healthy for a woman who is 12 weeks pregnant."

"she's erratic" B'Elanna exclaimed loudly.

Tom shook his head "hardly" when B'Elanna went to respond her told her "sure she's avoiding Chakotay but she's not compromising her duty, she isn't putting herself or her crew at risk, she's not sick, mentally or physically"

B'Elanna had to agree. Reluctantly she sighed and nodded. Then just as she was about to say that they too should go off to sleep it dawned on her. "If she is twelve weeks she must be having her first scan soon?"

Tom eyed his wife suspiciously and reminded her sternly "B'Elanna, doctor patient confidentiality"

"you are not a doctor" he wife quipped back though she knew her husband wouldn't tell and she knew he was right not to. When Tom just glared at her she stood and began walking as she called for the exit she added "I was only speculating." Tom walked up behind her and put his arm around her as they exited the holodeck through the now materialised door. He too was concerned about Kathryn, she hardly came to sick bay. Sure she came for her routine check ups but nothing else, she had just had her scan and all was fine with mother and child. He didn't know much about the baby other than it was female and half human half kinress. Kathryn for the most part seemed fine.

{*}{*}{*}

She stood in front of the mirror and sighed, as she ran her hands over her stomach she could feel the slight bump that was just beginning to show and she knew before long all the crew would know. She had told the senior staff that was all, that fateful day was horrible. If she had her way she wouldn't have told anyone, only the doctor until now at least, but running a ship means that her life and her body is not completely her own. She had walked into the briefing room head held high, it seemed like any other day but it certainly hadn't felt that way. Chakotay was already concerned, she knew it, she knew he had heard her through the bulk head which divided their quarters. She knew he had heard her being sick the last few mornings at least. The worry on his face and the constant checking she was ok told her that. Taking her seat she had decided that coming out with it was the best option, taking a deep breath she had just blustered out "before we begin, as captain I must inform you that I am pregnant." She hadn't meant it to sound so cold and formal, but it had. There were a lot of confused looks. A number of the senior staff looked at Chakotay with smiles, smiles which faltered when they saw the look on his face. Clearly they had thought he has the father and then realised he was just as shocked as they were. Kathryn hadn't dared look at him. She didn't think she could face it. She did see him out the corner of her eye slowly rise from his chair. She tilted her head slightly towards him as she saw him stride towards the door without a word. "Commander?" she had asked, she too standing. None of the other senior staff had said a word. All eyes were on Chakotay. He had stopped walking, turned his body slowly towards her but keeping his face turned away he growled "excuse me, I don't feel well." And with that had left the briefing room. Kathryn remembered sinking into her chair and pinching the bridge of her nose as she took a deep breath and without another word did the daily briefing without her first officer. Now here she was stood in front of her mirror a few months on, twelve weeks pregnant. She was really doing this. She had not planned this or wanted this. She missed Chakotay. She knew that it was her fault. Since the day she had told the senior staff she was pregnant she had set about making sure he didn't have to see her, it was only fair. He was clearly disgusted with her and she couldn't blame him. She had done the right thing, every time he had done the duty rotas he had put them both on Alpha shift. She had just sent a memo out to say she was changing him to Bata shift. She knew he had only put them both on Alpha shift because he thought he had to. This way she was relieving that burden for him. It was killing her not seeing him but she wanted to do what was right for him. Realising she was about the cry she shook her head. This will not do she thought and she turned away from her mirror feeling tears begin to form in her eyes. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath she walked towards her desk trying to find reports to focus on. Just as she had sat down her door chine sounded. She glanced towards the door as if this would tell her who it was chiming the door to her quarters late in the evening. Sitting up taller she called "come in"

The doors swished open and the broad figure of her first officer walked in. He was baring his eyes into her, he didn't look happy. Chakotay hadn't been in her quarters since the night before that fateful day on the Kinress home world. He moved into the room with determination. The two met eyes and he held her gaze as he moved towards her, she didn't say anything. The tension was mounting as he stood before her desk, threw a PADD at her and hissed "explain."

Kathryn was slightly taken aback by his tone but dutifully picked up the PADD to look at it's contents, realising it was the memo she had just sent she looked back up at him and began "I don't underst-"

"explain" he hissed again cutting her off "explain why you have put me on Bata sift." Kathryn drew her brows together and rose from her chair though she didn't move round the desk she allowed it to be a barrier between then she eyed him closely as she looked at him with concern. Chakotay took a step back knowing she had noticed the slight slur in his voice and probably smelt the alcohol on his breath, she was Kathryn Janeway, she always noticed these things. "Explain" he said carefully again.

"are you drunk?" she asked him with concern lasing her voice.

Chakotay leaned forward resting the palms of his hands on the desk so that his face was inches form her as he hissed "that's not the answer to my question Kathryn"

Kathyrn stepped back his breath stunk of whiskey. "urgh Chakotay" she replied but when he stayed where he was looking furious at her she shook her head sank into her chair and handed the PADD back to him saying "I thought it would be best if I kept out of your way, I am happy to take the Bata shift if you would rather?"

Snatching the PADD from her he once again rose to his full height, Kathryn kept her eyes trained on him. Turning from her he shouted "you always do this!" At that he walked away and Kathryn noticed he wasn't walking at all straight. Raising form her chair she moved around the desk towards him.

"Chakotay how much have you been drinking?" She was wide eyed and concerned as she looked at him trying to get him to look at her.

"Not much" he snapped back at her with voice slightly slurred.

"Chakotay" she said in her soft yet deep husky voice the concern for him evident as she placed a hand on his arm.

He pulled away and growled "So I have to get drunk to get my captains attention"

"Chakotay why don't you sit down" she didn't particularly want to talk to her first officer in this way but she knew it was the best option right now. She thought he would protest but he didn't he just sort of half sat, half fell into her sofa.

"B'Elanna said I should try talking to you." He told her as she sat in the chair opposite.

Kathryn knew he was referring to her being pregnant and knew she couldn't talk to him about that right then, not while he was in this state. "Chakotay if you want to talk ok let's talk, I owe you that much"

"yes you do" she growled "and more"

She nodded "but not now" she told him "not while you are like this." She walked towards the replicator and typed in some codes. The blue light came and with it materialised a warm drink steaming in it's Starfleet issue metal cup. Grasping it she walked back to her first officer and handed it to him. "drink" she said softly as he took it from her and she once again took the seat opposite him.

She watched him closely as he took a few sips of the warm herbal remedy. Realising it was herbal drink he was drinking he looked up at her and asked "what is this?"

"a herbal drink" she smiled softly "I found it in your files, it actually helps me sleep sometimes."

He scowled at her and placed the mug on the table. She could see from the shift in his body posture that he wasn't happy. She braced herself as he snapped "You have been looking at my personal files?"

She winced, she knew he was a private man. "Chakotay" she said firmly "I only looked at your personal food files, you know for when you came to my quarters for dinner" when he still didn't respond and continued to scowl at her she added "I am not very good a cooking vegetarian food."

Chakotay snorted and told her coldly "you are not very good at cooking at all." She scowled back at him and he leaned back in the sofa and asked "so explain why you have taken me off Alpha shift."

Sighing she lowered her gaze and told him "I know you find it hard to be around me since" she took a pause "since Kinress"

"hard?" he asked coldly "you think I find it hard to be around you?"

Her eyes flashed up at him "you don't?" but her question was replied by the look of distain in his eyes.

"I have done my duty" he told her firmly "I will always do my duty and serve you as my captain"

"I haven't suggested otherwise Chakotay" she replied softly.

He watched her and she once again lowered her gaze from him. It annoyed him that she couldn't even look at him or give him a decent answer. He had allowed her to avoid him in the two months since she had walked into the briefing room and announced her pregnancy but it was getting tiresome. He was fed up of the senior staff looking at him with pity. He was fed up of being told she needed time. He was fed up of B'Elanna trying to console him without betraying her friend. He was fed up of her changing the duty roster and he was fed up of being treated like a fool. He was so hurt with her. So hurt that it was tearing him apart. He knew he had no right to be annoyed but he also knew that she knew of his feelings for her, Feelings he still very much had for her. This conversation was infuriating. His brain was foggy from all the drink that evening and he knew she was right he wasn't thinking straight in this state. "Look Kathryn I will work the Bata shift tomorrow, give me time to clear my head but then we talk tomorrow evening?"

Rising her head she met his eyes "Chakotay I-" but as she said it she saw the anger grow in his eyes as she once again tried to avoid him "yes ok" she said softly "tomorrow, here at the end of bata shift."

Chakotay didn't say another word he just rose from his chair and stumbled towards the door as she shouted over his shoulder "tomorrow then dear captain"

{*}{*}{*}

The next day was practically uneventful and Kathryn knew that the evening would bring a conversation that she didn't know if she could handle yet she knew she had to, she owed him that much. The day moved in a blur, she spent most of her shift in her ready room. When 16:30 came she knew it her shift ended. She needed the rest. Bata shift was taking over. She walked onto her bridge just Chakotay arrived of the turbolift. She nodded at him telling him the bridge was his and quickly left in the terbolift he had just entered in.

The evening seemed to drag at first as she took a sonic shower and changed out of her uniform into some more comfortable clothes. She was desperate for coffee, it was times like this she needed the dark brown liquid but she wouldn't do anything to harm her unborn child. She lay down on the sofa with music playing in the background as she thought of what she would say in a few hours when her first officer arrived.

She must have fallen asleep or something because the next second she was woken with a start as the sound of her door chime sounded loudly into her quarters. Ralising the time she realised Bata shift ended ten minutes ago. Sitting up she called "come in" as she rubbed her eyes and looked towards the door as Chakotay walked in.

Looking at her disheviled hair and squinted look in her eyes she asked her "are you ok?" the concern wasn't hard to miss in his voice.

With a slight groan she stood up, rubbed her eyes and arched her back as she said "door chime woke me up, give me a sec."

A smile played on Chakotay's lips even though he wanted to be mad at her and start this conversation from a place of anger and betrayal he was pleased she had manged to sleep for a few hours. The bulk heads that divided their quarters were not very sound proof, he knew she wasn't sleeping at night. He silently watched as she began pacing around the room as if stretching her tense muscles. She yarned and as she did so she looked at him and waved towards her sofa indicating she should sit. "I just got to do something" she told him with tired eyes, ill be with you in a sec make yourself at home" and with that she disappeared into her bedroom. Chakotay sighed, he wanted to be mad at her and start this conversation in that way but she clearly wasn't very well and in a lot of discomfort and that bothered the hell out of him. It also softened his resolve slightly. When he realised this the thought did enter Chakotay's head that maybe she was pretending to be tired and ill to pompously soften his resolve. He was just about shaking that thought out of his head when she came back into the room, her face had its usual natural make up applied, her hair brushed but not as full of volume as it usually was and a slight smile on her pale lips, a tense smile but it was there.

Sitting down opposite him just as she had last night she met his dark eyes with sincerity in her and told him "So Chakotay, I owe you a conversation and I owe you an explanation, anything you ask me I will do my best to give you an honest answer, I owe you that much."

Chakotay for his part was surprised by her bluntness but knew that look in her grey coloured eyes, she felt guilt about something and she was trying to put it right, she was sincere in what she just said, she would give him and honest answer to any question he asked and he intended to hold her to that.


	2. Chapter 2

**No More**

 **By Hopping Hamster**

 **Chapter 2**

Chakotay quietly eyed her across her coffee table. She was figerting a lot. Not meeting his eyes. She was trying to wait for him to speak but she was also bracing herself for the onslaught she clearly expected. Although she had said she would answer anything Chakotay did not want to fight her, he wasn't sure what he wanted. Answers yes, but to what he wasn't sure. He was hurt more than angry now and that was a territory he didn't know how to be. He could see she was tired, she had just woken up after a nap when he had arrived and Kathryn Janeway napping at 7pm worried him. She was trying to get comfortable in her seat as he eyed her and he knew the discomfort was not merely down to the uncomfortable conversation they were about to have. Her baby bump was starting to show, he could see it ever so slightly in the casual top she wore. Deciding he had to say some, anything, to break the tension in the room he asked her softly "How are you?" He did care, and his tender tones were genuine. She didn't look to well and of course he was concerned, he loved her, that was the whole damn point.

Kathryn was so surprised by his question and his tenderness that she snapped her head up to look at him asking quickly "Sorry?" the confusion and shock evident in her tone of voice and her wide blue eyes watching him as though she expected something else to come at her.

With a slight smile that he had caught her of guard he watched her closely and said simply and softly again "I am wondering how you are"

He watched as she narrowed her eyes at him and stared at him suspiciously as she answered slowly "Fine" then still staring at him as though she really didn't trust him added "thanks"

Feeling slightly amused, slightly hurt and slightly frustrated he told her "I do care Kathryn you don't have to look at me like that" his features had the hint of a smile but his voice was firm.

"like what?" she asked still with her eyes narrowed her body tense.

"so suspicious" he nodded at her. He nearly burst out laughing when she caught herself on and relaxed a little.

"sorry" she groaned rubbing her forehead "it's just I thought…. Well I-" but then cutting herself off with a shake of her head she waved him aside "It doesn't matter"

Deciding not to dwell on it Chakotay continued to show his concern by asking "I trust your child is well also"

Again slightly taken aback she answered him honestly "Yes"

With a warm full dimpled smile he replied "good" he cried so deeply for her, so very deeply, he loved her, and in a strange way that meant he loved her unborn child. He would do anything to protect her child, it would break him as it would break her if anything were to happen to her baby.

As he sat silently looking away from her deep in his thoughts she watched him, she had seen the pain she had caused him and she had wished it hadn't had to be that way. She waited for him to speak but after a while of him just looking away from her with a pained look on his face she asked softly "Chakotay?" she wanted to go to him and put her arms around him. She wanted to tell him everything but she wasn't sure how, she wasn't sure if he wanted that. She wasn't sure of anything to do with Chakotay anymore.

Slowly he turned to face her, his features set, Kathryn knew it was coming, the questions she didn't want to answer, the guilt and the shame and yet she owed it to him. He met her eyes and let his dark eyes burn right into her soul as he asked her in a deep growl of a voice "is your child Kindress?"

Meeting his eyes, she owed him that, she held his gaze as she nodded "yes"

"Why?" he spat at her still not breaking eye contact "Why Katheryn?"

It was Kathryn who was confused now. Why was her child Kindress? Was he seriously asking her why her child was Kindress? "well I-" then she shook her head, what was he trying to prove with this "Chakotay?" she questioned him but he still held her with the same stern gaze. Drawing her brows together she told him "My child is kindress because the father was Kindress"

"very clever" he spat at her and she stood and turned his back from her. His heart was pounding and his fists clenched and Kathryn could hear a slight angry growl he was making.

"I am sorry I didn't mean" she said softly and seriously "I thought that's what you were asking" she was pleading with him in her voice though she didn't leave her seat. She hadn't meant to hurt him or anger him.

"So you think I am stupid?" he span round to look at her and Kathryn saw in his eyes a deep sadness and a pain there.

"No of course not!" she exclaimed raising form her seat and moving to him. She placed her hands on his arm and looked up into his eyes pleading with him to see she thought very highly of him, she always had. He just brushed her off his arm and shook his head. "Chakotay!" she exclaimed at his reaction both confused and hurt.

"I want to know why you turned to him?" Chakotay said taking a deep breath and trying to stay calm "what did he give you that you don't have on Voyager?"

"Nothing" she sighed hanging her head in shame "it wasn't exactly like that-"

"like what?" he spat without letting her finish, she had promised him honesty and all he was getting form her was avoidance and insults "you chose to go down there and sleep with the first Kindress man you found" he was angry and shouting now and he didn't care how she felt or how thing the bulk heads were. She shook her head and him and tried to get him to stop shouting so she could explain but he took that as her trying to get him to keep his voice down which made him shout even louder. "it might not be any of my business who my captain sleeps with but you Kathryn, you and I, I thought- You made me to be a fool"

"what?" she asked him almost crying as the tear mounted in her glistening blue eyes "your never a fool Chakotay"

"I was your stupid fool" he spat at her and moved even further away from her.

Kathryn felt the tear roll down her face which made her turn from him ashamed "you are not a fool Chakotay" she said though a cracked voice "you are lots of things Chakotay but you are not a stupid fool"

"What am I then?" He shouted demanded "go on Kathryn what am I to you?"

"loyal, valued, good, gentle, caring, compassionate, brave, strong, intelligent, humble, intriguing, handsome, spiritual, important, guiding, safe, special and full of integrity" As she listed off the things that she thought of Chakotay she stood with her back to him shaking as the tears flowed down her face, she had never let him see her cry and she also realised as she was talking that she had never told him how much he really meant to her. At her words Chakotay found himself softening, his anger subsiding, she had never said any of that to him, never. He had to know, he had to know if she meant it. Walking over to her he took her shoulder in his hand and turned her to face him. She held her head down as her body seemed to involuntarily move to face him. Taking her chin with his fingers he lifted her face to look at him. Wheat he saw in her face made him gasp. He has never seen her without any real make up so close. He never knew her pale skin was full of so many freckles. Her lips were far less read than usual though he knew she has put some basic makeup on while she was in her bedroom. Her eyes were a deep glistening blue and the tears were streaming down her face. Tilting her head with a crooked smile she met him eyes and told him "most of all Chakotay you are the most incredibly beautiful man I have ever known and I am so sorry if I have hurt you."

Chakotay reached up and brushed the tears from her cheeks with his thumb. "I never knew you thought so highly of me."

She gave him a small crooked smile with her deeply sad eyes and admitted "I suppose I never really say it"

"no you don't" Chakotay said simply. He wasn't stern but he wasn't smiling either. His words made Kathryn feel even more guilty than she already felt. Closing her eyes she moved away from the intimate closeness to Chakotay she had suddenly found herself in. With her back to him she ran her hand through her auburn hair and sighed. "Kathryn?" Chakotay asked calmly "I need to know did you go to the Kindress home world looking for, well for somebody to sleep with?"

Kathryn spun round and met his eyes fury in hers and she shouted "No commander I did not go _looking_ for somebody to sleep with." The distain in her voice was evident as she snapped her words at him.

"Kathryn please" Chakotay was softly spoken though he was tense in his body language "I am trying to understand what happened, you agreed you owe me that much"

Shaking her head and putting her hands on her hips she almost shrieked at him "I didn't think you would accuse me of being a whore!" she was furious, how dare he say that to her? What right did he have to be upset anyway?

"I accused you of no such thing" Chakotay growled almost taken aback but also annoyed that she always over exaggerated anything he said when they were in a tense situation she didn't like. She started at him with her narrowed eyes and pursed lips and he knew she was about to contradict him and say that he did call her a whore. "I did not Kathryn" he said stiffly, firmly and with determination before she could say a world. He still held her gaze.

"Ok" she sighed admitting she was wrong "sorry" then with a crooked smile and raising her hands in surrender she admitted "I am a little sensitive and hormonal"

"you don't say" Chakotay replied with a slight laugh in his voice. Kathryn's eyes were glistening blue as she looked at him with a beautiful smile. Chakotay was once again reminded of how radiant she looked. Not taking his eyes form her his smile faltered as he asked "what was he like?" Kathryn's smile too faltered as he asked "How did you meet him?"

Kathryn knew she had to answer, she had promised his she would and she knew she owed him an answer. Hanging her head he admitted "During the trade negotiations He was the Kindress security representative". Chakotay watched her. That wasn't the answer he had expected and his face told her that much. When she had gone to Kindress she had gone to secure some food and medical supplies as well as some dylithiam for B'Elanna. Chakotay had assumed she had met the father in a bar somewhere or one of the intellectual centres she had visited during her free time.

Suddenly Chakotay's mind went back to the one diplomatic function he had been to during their three weeks on the Kindress home world. "that big guy?" he almost snorted at her thinking she would laugh and correct him and tell him he had got it wrong. When she simply met his eyes and nodded Chakotay looked at her even more confused and asked calmly "the fat one?" when she short of nodded at him with an embarrassed look on her face Chakotay pulled awkwardly on his ear lobe. It wasn't that she had slept with a larger man that was the issue it was the man was so rude, so obnoxious and so patronising towards all the women from voyager. He had practically told Sam that she couldn't possibly have raised Naomi alone because she was a woman. Chakotay had a lot of negative things he wanted to say about that man but in the interest of continued relations she asked "what was his name?".

Kathryn looked at him like a rabbit caught in headlights and she bit on her bottom lip saying softly "I –" but couldn't quite bring herself to make eye contact with Chakotay as she admitted "I'm not sure exactly"

Chakotay didn't know whether he was hurt, angry or shocked. He stood there staring at her feeling his breathing mount as he asked "you don't remember his name?" it was taking everything he had im him to stay calm. The look of regret on her face was the only thing that was keeping him staying calm.

"Lanax I think?" Kathryn offered feebly. Then as thought trying to redeem herself she added hurriedly "Ayala would know they discussed security measures of the negotiations together" but her face dropped and she turned away from him in sadness and feeling slightly ashamed and regretful when she realised that hadn't redeemed her in Chakotay's eyes.

Sighing he sat back in the chair and waited for her to stop her pacing and join him at the sofa opposite him. As she lowered herself slowly into the sofa with dignity in her posture he said calmly "I don't understand Kathryn?" she scowled at him and rubbed her forehead but didn't say anything "you don't know his name but he is the father of your child" at his words the tears began to form in her eyes "is that what you're saying?"

Taking a deep breath and sitting up tall she said "that's exactly what I am saying" in her best command tone though she didn't quite met his eyes. She didn't know if she was ashamed or just full of so much regret.

"I don't understand" came his reply. He felt like he was torn between being angry and disgusted with her and yet he couldn't bring himself to be either. He loved her and he was so very concerned for her. He could see the shame in her eyes and the tears that were forming there. When she didn't respond, or look at him he felt a deep sadness. He saw pain there, he saw regret and he wanted to help her and care for her. "why you would do that?" he asked gently as he stood and moved to her to kneel on the floor beside where she sat "why you would sleep with a man you don't even know the name of" as he said this he placed what he hoped was a reassuring hand on her knee to show he still cared for her.

With a shrug, she said an a deep husky voice "I just did Chakotay Ok?" she still wasn't meeting his eyes when she said it because some how she knew it wouldn't be ok.

"no!" he growled in a raised voice "no Kathryn it's far from ok!"

Rolling her eyes, she hissed at him in frustration "well excuse me that my private life doesn't meet your approval"

Chakotay met her eyes. He was angry and he was hurt. His eyes were dark as he burned them into he skull. "What doesn't meet my approval" he said stiffly and seriously "is the way you have been acting lately"

"lately?" she asked tilting her head at him and a raised eyebrow.

"it's more than the fact that you selfishly went and got yourself pregnant" he snapped back at her.

She straightened up and stared at him furiously her eyes were ablaze. She let out a slow steady breath as she tried to stay really calm, both her eyebrows raised in surprise "selfishly got myself pregnant?" she asked a little too calmly for Chakotay's liking.

Chakotay for his part retreated, he knew he should never have said that, it wasn't fair "I didn't mean that" he told her awkwardly as he tugged on his earlobe.

"you said it" she spat back at him.

Letting out a heavy sigh he took her hand in his where he still knelt beside her and rubbed her knuckles with his thumb as he whispered softly "Kathryn I am concerned about you"

She rolled her eyes and pulled her hand from him and turned away to look out the window behind her as he said softly in a deep husky voice "you have no need commander, I am fine"

Chakotay growled and told her seriously "You forget how well I know you, you are not fine" he reached up and placed a firm but loving hand on her arm to try and show his reassurance for her even when he was annoyed with her.

She turned to him with narrowed eyes and a surprised look on her face "What makes you say that?" she asked in confusion.

He gave her a small loving smile as he told her "you've been avoiding me." Her eyebrows shot up and she opened her mouth to protest his words even though they both knew she had. He was quicker than her as he placed the tips of his fingers gently on her lips and met her eyes as he said "changing the duty rotas to avoid me". As he said it he realised he had never touched her tips, it was the closest he had ever come to her in many ways. His heart began to beat faster as he realised how intimate this was.

As Chakotay looked into her eyes he sort of expected her to deny it but she didn't. She just let her eyes fill up with tears. It was at that moment that Chakotay saw how closely he was to her and how small she looked. He also realised how close he was to her without make up. She was looking tired, her was worn out and worry was etched across her face. "I thought it is what you wanted." She told him sadly "I thought it would be better for you not to see me as my condition upsets you so much"

That angered Chakotay, even now she wasn't being honest with him and he knew "bull shit!" he shouted at her and stood up and moved away from her in anger. Kathryn too stood looking wide eyed at him as he stood with his back to her "you thought it would be better to avoid me so I wouldn't notice you're not well"

"I am fine Chakotay" slowly she let her eyes slide shut as she added "It's just the pregnancy" knowing that pretending there was nothing wrong with her wouldn't work with Chakotay.

Spinning round he grabbed her shoulders and leaned his face close to hers and held her tightly as he added "you may have fooled Tom and B'Elanna with that line, even the doctor but not Tuvok" then with a growl as he almost pushed her away from him as he shouted "and not me!"

"Chakotay?" she asked softly tentatively still trying to pretend there was nothing wrong with her.

"your erratic, more than just because you are pregnant" he told her seriously as he began pacing "you're afraid of something" again she went to protest at his words but he just carried on "you're not eating and you flinch when certain people come near you, you second guessing your decisions more and you have lost your umph." He added softly.

"my unph?" Kathryn asked her eyebrows raised and a crooked smile on his lips.

"Yes, Kathryn the spark that makes you who you are." He told her and then as he turned to her he saw the shattered and dejected look in her eyes. Taking her hands softly in his he once again tried to reassure her as he stoked her knuckles and looked down on her as he said "I notice you're not denying my words"

With that her head snapped up and shouted "I am trying Chakotay but I can't hold everything together for everyone!" then pulling her hands away she took a deep breath and asked "alright?"

"no" he told her softly "no its not alright" she let her eyes slight shut and she couldn't pull her tear in anymore as she let them fall. "I want to know what's wrong" he whispered feeling hurt for her "what happened on Kindress?"

"Nothing _happened_ Chakotay" she insisted as she just let the tears fall.

"clearly" he spat at her.

Letting out a sigh her rolled her eyes and told him seriously "I am sorry ok" then as if she just snapped tears flowed form her eyes "I am sorry thing whole mess happened"

"talk to me" Chakotay almost cried as he grabbed her into a tight embrace and kissed the top of head as she sunk tightly into his chest "I can't help if you won't talk to me"

Holding tightly to his shirt she asked almost surprised "you want to help?"

Chakotay couldn't help but smile at this infuriating woman as he reassured her "I want you to be ok" how could she think otherwise?

After what felt like a long pause her voice was deep, husky and very quiet as she admitted her shame "I didn't know I could get pregnant that way"

Chakotay pulled from her and pulled away and held her at arm's length as he asked very confused "What?"

"I didn't sleep with him"

Chakotay just stared at her and told her "I don't understand" he was confused for her and was worried she was mentally ill as well as pregnant.

"The Kindress they –" she began softly then shook her he and told him "they procreate in a different way than humans"

Looking at her as though she had gone crazy he told her "but you are human"

"Yes, thank you Chakotay" she hissed by pinching the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger as she clenched her eyes shut.

Chakotay looked at her and saw she was telling him the truth and it worried him a great deal.


End file.
